Movie Review: Friday the 13th (2009)

I am a huge fan of horror movies.  I have seen so many over my lifetime, some famous, some infamous and some that sucked, some that rocked.

Todays movie review is of the 2009 version of Friday the 13th.

First of all, Jared Padalecki is in this movie..makes a girl want to watch it already.  Let me tell you though, that is just about the only redeeming quality of this movie.  It's supposed to be a remake or retake of the original but it wasn't very original.  Jason again emerges victorious by virtue of machete and most of the kills are made by a simple throat slashing..(yes, i realize that last sentence shows some deeply embedded issues).  The best kill of the whole movie was when random slut #1 gets skewered like a shish-kebob by said machete.  Second best kill was just prior when random boytoy #1 gets shot right through the top of the head by an arrow.  Nice shot Jason.

What would a scary movie be without gratuitous and completely random, pointless nudity?  Much better, that's what.  Random slut#1 just happens to be waterskiing topless?  Who would do that?  Floppage! ouch.

At the beginning of the movie, Jared P's character shows up in a gas station toting missing sister pics and getting told he's a douchebag by Main boytoy, who's girlfriend decides she likes the super-hot, sensitive type and eyeballs him the whole time they're in the gas station.  Later in the movie she (Main stupid girl) takes off with Jared's character (likely the smartest thing she ever does) seemingly at random while Main Boytoy doesn't seem to care much that she leaves but he hates having him in the house (insert random male posturing here) while Padalecki does absolutely nothing about all the insults.

Further on, insert gratuitous and pointless (hey, let's stick this scene in here and send the writers on break) sex with random slut #2 and Main boytoy…Main stupid girl comes back to tell everyone there's a killer and has to knock on the door because it's locked, while her boyfriend is in there having meaningless sex with her friend.  She waits patiently until they answer….in what universe??? Who the fuck does that?  That irritated me until the end of the movie..until the end of the movie irritated me.

During the main stupid girl's and Jared's explorings, they find his missing sister miraculously unharmed (because Jason does that all the time..apparently all you need is a locket with his mother's picture in it) set her free and take off..the last cool thing that happens is that main stupid girl dies.  It's the only point in the movie where Jared's character even remotely acts like a man but of course, Sister makes sure he doesn't do anything heroic or vengeful.

Finally, Jared's character shows signs of life by getting in a fight with Jason..he gets his ass kicked of course but it's Jason..he didn't have a chance and that he survives it is amazing enough..they of course "kill" Jason in the end but he comes right back out of the lake to grab Sister and that's the end….gee, didn't see that coming *sigh*

The only remotely saving grace of this movie was that Jared Padalecki was in it and he didn't even take off his shirt.  Oh, and the fact that his character was a douche was also a letdown.  The two funniest characters in the movie (the smart guy looking for weed and the Asian? guy) were killed very unimaginatively and that was a shame.  The remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre was really good and I was hoping good things would come of this remake but noooooo…what a stinker!!!  Pretend this one didn't come out and do it all over again!!

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